Self Actualization

When I studied Psychology one of the psychologists whose work I was impressed with was Abraham Maslow.  His impact on studying human behaviour focused on a "humanistic psychology" which resonated deeply with me.  He stressed the importance of focusing on the positive qualities in people rather than treating them as a group of symptoms.

In an email today I received a reminder of Maslow's rules of self-actualization which is at the top of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

(image from Wikipedia)

This is Abraham Maslow's 8 ways to Self-Actualize

1. Experience things fully, vividly, selflessly. Throw yourself into the experiencing of something: concentrate on it fully, let it totally absorb you.

2. Life is an ongoing process of choosing between safety (out of fear and need for defense) and risk (for the sake of progress and growth): Make the growth choice a dozen times a day.

3. Let the self emerge. Try to shut out the external clues as to what you should think, feel, say, and so on, and let your experience enable you to say what you truly feel.

4. When in doubt, be honest. If you look into yourself and are honest, you will also take responsibility. Taking responsibility is self-actualizing.

5. Listen to your own tastes. Be prepared to be unpopular.

6. Use your intelligence, work to do well the things you want to do, no matter how insignificant they seem to be.

7. Make peak experiencing more likely: get rid of illusions and false notions. Learn what you are good at and what your potentialities are not.

8. Find out who you are, what you are, what you like and don't like, what is good and what is bad for you, where you are going, what your mission is. Opening yourself up to yourself in this way means identifying defenses - and then finding the courage to give them up.

Daring to Stretch...and Sketch

Having completed a two week boot camp with Madeline Bea which was an excellent exercise in stretching and exploring my creativity I decided today to sign up for the Sketchbook Project.

I didn't need time to think about it...I read what it was about and decided that I was up for this challenge and ready to take it on.  I'm looking forward to receiving my sketchbook and creating on the pages within.  Knowing that these sketchbooks will be on display is part of the desire to create the work and share it with others. 

There are so many artists from so many countries participating.  Interested in joining the group and making that leap?

They're Gone...

 

stop holding on
make space for emptiness,
become silent, clear and calm

(wise words from Necessary Room and Birdie) 

Yesterday we watched the babies fly from the nest.  It was an incredible experience to be part of, to see these babies hatch and grow and then develop strength and confidence to leave the nest and follow their true course.  The first two were courageous and just spread their wings and flew. 

 The third was a little unsure and took a bit more time moving its way along the downspout, turning itself around a few times and then readied itself for flight.  Each bird stood on top of the one below it to leave which was comical.  The fourth bird was left with no support to use for a boost.  It finally clambered out but lost its footing to get to the downspout, fluttered its wings and held on to the side of the nest.  Our hearts were in our mouths as we waited to see what would happen next.  It never really did get a good purchase and the fear it must have felt and the lack of confidence and surety was plainly evident.  This bird stumbled a bit but landed on its feet...barely formed feet.  It hopped about for a bit and managed to get itself elevated to try and fly again.  Its siblings had all been up and down and in and out of the tree nearby.

Mama and Papa were hovering as well.  We watched this last one wander its way down the driveway, heading in the wrong direction.  I knew if it continued that way and became lost it would know only peril.  I followed at a safe distance and watched as it flew a bit and crashed into the car.  It bounced back and kept trying to get up onto the step to get into the door of the house next door.  I was following it with a folded paper, shooing it to get in the right direction, coaxing and encouraging as I spoke to it.  A sight I must have been for the neighbours.  Did I think about that?  Not in the least...my parenting skills were jumping into full on protective mode!  The bird wandered into the garden behind some bushes and later I did see the papa go in there after it.  I assume all is well...we've heard nothing since and the nest sits empty.  It makes me sad.  I'd grown attached you see.

Birds leave their nests as children leave our homes (if you look at the first photograph you'll also see that they leave behind a mess for me to clean up -- both birds and children!).  I'm facing an empty nest myself this fall and while I'm wildly ecstatic about the future and what it holds for my children, and I am excited at discovering my life again with no one else "needing me", I realize that I will never be "needed" again in quite the same way.  So a rediscovery of myself is in order.  The quote above satisfies me.  It's answering a need within.  I don't need to think about what to do next or what my next role will be.  I only need to be still and silent in the emptiness, to stop holding on to what was and to be ready to embrace what will be. 

Meghan's post today at Life Refocused is all about "The Next Step" and I found something more to ponder, something else that sits well within my soul.  Her mantra -- "Trust.  I have done my part." -- that is so true.  Within the next step comes trust -- I trust that the baby robins will know how to fend for themselves and that they will be safe.  I trust that the work I have done with my children will carry them forward in life so that they will know how to fend for themselves and be safe.  I know that I have done my part and I know that the future looks brilliant.  Now excuse me while I go and clean up that nest!!

Authenticity, Clarity and Change...

I opened this fortune cookie "wisdom" the other night and put it aside.  I know that there are things I cannot change and I know that accepting this does make me feel better.  What struck me when I cracked this cookie open was that the message was coming to me "now" at a time when I am feeling a little "stuck".  I'm at a loose end because of change that is coming in my life -- natural change, good change and change that is wonderful and expected.  All change that happens in life sets in motion questions and reflection and at this point I feel like I'm looking left and right instead of straight ahead.  I feel confused and out of sorts and my emotions are on a roller coaster.  I'm being quiet and solitary and keeping tight rein on what I say and how I say it.

For a long time I thought, well I suppose it's more that I believed change happened in large increments.  You had one big change and then a rest before the next one came along.  Looking at life and the progression of events we move through it seems like if I charted mine there would be time gaps between significant changes.  I realize now that change is happening constantly; it's not stagnant and it doesn't wait for the next "5 years" before it hits you again...it just keeps on coming.  Sometimes it is subtle, sometimes it is fierce.  Sometimes it has happened in the blink of an eye without notice.

So I will accept some of these changes that are occurring now and I will be happier for doing that.  History has taught me that.  But I am still searching and I am still looking left and right to find my way into this new phase of my life.  This morning I was reading iHanna's blog and her post about "Authenticity".  When I read that word something inside me pushed to the forefront and said "this is the word we want...we want authenticity...we need authenticity.  it is time for authenticity in life".  It's a well written blog post and worth a read.

An Instrument of Grace...

"Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace."

- May Sarton, an American poet, novelist, and memoirist.

A Remarkable Read...

I have enjoyed Tracy Chevalier's novels since I read her first book The Virgin Blue over 10 years ago.  I have read all 6 novels and am still as enchanted with Ms. Chevalier's work now as I was when I first discovered her.

The other night I finished her latest, "Remarkable Creatures" and I took my time with it.  The subject matter is one that I would not normally find interesting or would excite me.  When that happens with a novel I either give up and move on to something else, or become even more intrigued, especially if the author has the ability to make the subject matter something I desire to know more about.  Tracy Chevalier has that ability.

"Remarkable Creatures" is a novel based on fact, about Mary Anning who discovered fossils on the beach at Lyme Regis.  At a time (the early 1800s) when the world believed that religion told the tale of the universe and people did not want to doubt, Mary Anning discovered fossils that changed the scientific world and its beliefs.  That she was female and doing this in a male dominated society was even more remarkable.

Tracy Chevalier takes her inspiration from the world around us and manages to weave fact and fiction that is both entertaining and educational.

Creativity Boot Camp...

This is how I am spending my time over the next few weeks...at Boot Camp...for my creativity.  It's been 4 days, today will be day 5 and I am loving every minute of this.

There has been freedom and movement and inner connecting.  A sense of abandon that I have needed for some time to just let go and be myself...to not care what something looks like, to not care what I look like while I am doing some of these exercises and assignments.

I'm not "looking" for anything by taking this online boot camp -- I'm just "being".  I am just seeing with my eyes, really seeing, not just glancing.  And I'm listening...not just hearing, I am listening to what is being said and to how I am responding to it.

Somehow life becomes all about "doing" and less about "being".  I want to be more in the "now" of "me" and what is happening around me...not in the world, but around "me" and there's a difference in that.  I want to bring my art and my ability to communicate back to my heart, back to what it means to me...with a depth of feeling that has been lacking for some time.

If you are interested, I think you can still sign up and catch up to where we are.  One of the most giving aspects of this course is that Madeline Bea (the coach) is donating half the proceeds to a charitable organization called Show Hope.   We are learning and giving at the same time.  I've always believed that the two go hand in hand.

Style Knows No Age...

Please take a moment to view the above film clip.

I saw this the other day and I was mesmerized.  I was completely blown away.  This is art.  The art of dressing and presenting who you are to the world.

Some people might view this and think these women look foolish or ridiculous or silly.  Some people might think they should "act their age" which is great -- but how do you act "your age"?  Is there is booklet or a pamphlet?  A code book that says "when you are 20 you will dress like this", and "when you are 50 you will dress like this" and "when you are 75 you will dress like this"??  If so, I haven't seen it.  And I don't want to see it.

I admit, that up until a few years ago I would have passed judgment on these women and wondered if they knew how they looked.  I was caught up in the fabrication that women of a certain age behave and dress in a "specific" manner.  I remember working with a woman who dressed much younger than her years and there was derision in the office about that.  My own opinion?  I didn't voice it -- I went along with the group because that's what we do in a survival mode...we follow the leader.  Soon that woman retired and was replaced by another free spirit -- someone a lot more bohemian and adventurous in both her dress and her approach to life.  I thought "what a breath of fresh air!".  Oh yes, she was misunderstood and not appreciated, accept by me I think.  I know I supported her and I enjoyed her conversation and her style.

Anyone who knows me will recognize me in the woman in the film who wears the leopard print glasses.  I mean rock it out lady -- I think that's a fabulous look.  I want to age gracefully but I do NOT want to wear pull up pants with an elastic waist band and "frumpy" blouses.  I want style and colour and vibrancy.  I want to dress in a manner that befits my personality (unless of course I become frumpy...but we don't want to go there).

Are you open minded enough to allow yourself the freedom to express yourself in style?

It's All About the Babies...

I've been "baby sitting" these last few days. 

This is the first time in my life I have been this close to nature as nature takes her course.  First this robin chose to build her nest close to our front door in the most awkward spot.  We moved around her for days very quietly trying not to disturb her peace.

 
And then Sunday we noticed the babies were here -- we came in from errands to see mama feeding her young and we've been mesmerized since.

 I wish the photographs where sharper and more focused in some cases...but I'm working through the glass in the storm door from inside the house; and the ones I have been able to take outside I need to be quick as the mother and father really don't like being "watched" as they work.

The youngest son was a bit disinterested when I showed him the photos I'd been snapping.  But when he came to stand with me and saw all of this happening before his eyes...he was amazed.  It moved him.  How can it not?

I feel so blessed to be able to be witness to this experience.  And yes, I'm still talking to the birds as I come and go.

A perfect day to....

A rainy Saturday.  One without a vehicle at my disposal.   A perfect day to:

stay in pjs

putter around

read

drink coffee and then switch to tea

explore on the computer

work on some art

talk to friends

paint my nails

think about life

and hopefully remember to brush my teeth!

Be the Difference...

Aren't these key chains delightful?  The one on the left is light and fun and bubbly...the colours are happy and the shape is a perfect complement -- a cube with circles. It appeals to my sense of playfulness.  The one on the right appeals to my more sedate, sophisticated, chic self.  I love the browns and the golds and I love the shape.

These beads are handmade and came to me from Lori Anderson of Pretty Things and Lori Anderson Designs.  Lori's creations are beautiful and unique and I am so delighted to have been gifted with these pieces.

When I returned to blogging a short while ago, I happened upon Lori's blog and enjoyed reading what she was posting and looking at her work.  I decided to follow her blog and soon after that I heard from Lori, thanking me not only for following her blog but for being her 1,000th follower.  I had no idea that I had helped her reach that milestone.  As a thank you Lori wished to send me something.  I was happy just following her blog but at her insistence I sent her my address.  These beaded key chains arrived the other day and I was thrilled to receive them.  Thank you Lori!  I wish you could have been standing here when I opened the package and been able to see the smile that lit up my face!

Little gestures can make such a huge impact.  A stranger reaching out to say "I appreciate you" and it makes me realize that all of the simple gestures we make in our lives go a long way to making a difference in someone else's world.  Be the difference.  It's easy if you try.

Food and Photography...

Stopped at the library today and saw this book compiled from the Donna Hay magazines on the shelf....had to pick it up.

Filled with beautiful photographs and delicious recipes, the book is separated into sections for each season...these are a sampling from Spring.  This is a perfect book for a quiet Friday night with a glass of red.

Even if I don't make any of the recipes I'm enjoying just losing myself in the photography and the sound of the food!

(all images have been photographed from the book by me)

To be...

"Anybody can learn to think, or believe, or know,

but not a single human being can be taught to feel... 

the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself -

in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -

means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." 

e.e. cummings

I admit I have never been a poetry person.  I've never sat and read poem after poem and been moved or transported.  I have no reason for this other than I think it's because I don't understand poetry.  I don't possess the ability to read the nuance, the romance, the dance of the words.  Or perhaps it's less the ability and more the lack of desire to take the time to ponder, to reveal and to decipher.  It might be that I lack the patience to dissect and to interpret the meaning.  It might be the desire was killed for me before it ever took flight.

 (image from goodhousekeeping.com)

When I was in 9th grade this really hit home to me.  My English teacher didn't grab me by the throat with her teaching style and I lost a great deal of interest in the class.  I love to read....it has been my passion since earliest childhood, from the moment I could read words on the printed page.  I love to write and to string words together, to express my thoughts and my ideas.  But English classes?  I was lost and never found again from the time of 9th grade.  

The teacher read us "The Merchant of Venice" and I never developed a love of Shakespeare because of that.  One person, reading a play to a group of young minds?  One person who was not an actress and had a monotone for a voice and didn't even bother to change her voice for the various characters?  Oh if she had assigned us parts and we could have done that as a group.  Perhaps I would be in love with the works of Shakespeare today.

By 10th grade we were studying poetry and I'm sure I could have slept through the classes.  I had a very pert, young teacher, in her first year of teaching and I held hope that this woman would bring passion to the classroom and reunite me with the study of English.  Alas, that did not happen.  We read poem after poem and we even used music lyrics as poetry. I love music and have never listened to it the same way since. I can never listen to The Beatles in particular without hearing "Miss "x" tell me about "The Fool on the Hill" or "Eleanor Rigby".  I never hear a Beatles song without hearing her explain what each stanza, verse, line, thought "meant".  All well and good.  Until the teacher told us that each poem, each lyric had meaning that we were supposed to understand, to take apart, to decipher each meaning.  That lost me even further.  I couldn't understand why my own interpretation of what was written was "incorrect".  I was reading the same words as everyone else but I chose to see, or perhaps I was given to understand, from my viewpoint of the world, that these words meant "this" and not "that".  We argued about it, albeit politely as in debating and I stood my ground.  And Miss "x" stood her ground.  And we reached an impasse.  And I never did "believe" her.  I still believe strongly that what I read and I what I take from someone else's words is right for me.  Just as I look at a piece of art or listen to a piece of music and have my own opinion.  I love having my own opinion!!  When I questioned Miss "x" as to "why" she knew that she was correct and I was not (and I'm sure I probably used the words right and wrong), she told me that she knew this because it was in the teacher's notes to teaching the course.  Oh.  Well.  Right then.  This wasn't her opinion....she read it in a book. Sher herself had been "told" what everything meant. From that point poetry was lost to me.  If I had to read something and be "told" what it meant, what was the point?  That's like being told "because I said so"...with nothing to back it up.  Sadly the poets we were talking about were mostly dead long ago and couldn't be consulted to confirm or deny these allegations.  In the exams I answered the questions as required so that I would pass the course.  That was what it was all about I thought then.  Just getting by and making do.  My feisty self fought with me as I wrote those exams but I learned how you "get along" in the world and do what you need to do. 

Years later I experienced this same reaction to music videos.  I still don't watch them even if it is the artists themselves "showing me" what their words mean.  I close my eyes and listen to music.  Sometimes it is the melody or the harmony that moves me.  Sometimes it is the words.  And in my mind's eye I see and dream and imagine.  How can I do that if someone else is "showing me" what to see?  This is the same reason I cannot watch a film of a book I have loved.  I've seen those characters already and who I am "told" this person will look like never fits my own interpretation.

I like this quote from a piece of work by e.e. cummings.  I have always been drawn to e.e. cummings.  Not because I loved to read his poetry.  I've never read his poetry in whole.  I liked...no I adored...that he printed his works by using all lower case letters in his name.  How individual, unique and outstanding!  To be so sure of himself that he would do that.

And yes...to be yourself when the world is trying to make you everyone else...it is the hardest fight you'll ever fight.  I don't suppose I will ever stop fighting.

My Shoes...

Little legs, little feet, little shoes. 

That's me on the right, age 3 1/2.  That's my best friend at the time on my left.  Our shoes weren't identical, but they were the same style.  All girls wore shoes like these in the spring and summer when I was a little girl.  My friend had knee socks which she always wore.  Mine were short and folded over.  I did have knee socks but more often than not they were crumpled down around my ankles anyway.  I played hard.  What can I say!

I see these shoes in my old photographs and I smile.  I can look at this one today and I can be taken back immediately to the springs and summers of my youth.  I remember how the air felt and how it smelled.  I remember the earth and the grass and I remember how the flowers smelled.  I remember playing in those shoes and that the soles were soft.  Double buckles and the leather being "bent" and "creased" from so much wear.

I had a pair of these as well, but they were more for fall and winter.  They were heavy and stiff and not the most comfortable shoes but they sure looked cute.  Mine were navy blue on the band, not black.  And if I recall correctly I'm thinking they were Buster Brown brand.

My footwear has evolved over the years and I can still remember how favourite shoes looked on my feet and how they felt.  I'm not sure what that attachment to my shoes says about me.

My legs are still on the short side, and I do wear knee socks from time to time ... and they still get crumpled around my ankles.  I'm much happier in my short socks.  When a style "works" why change it?

Things My Mother Taught Me...

 (image courtesy of Karen at The Graphics Fairy)

My friend Kitty had shared this "ode to the mother" and I love the humour in it because while there is much about motherhood that is serious, there is so much more about it that is joyous and wonderful, and yes there are times I find myself uttering words and phrases that my mother used...ones that I swore I would never say as a mother myself.  I've found a lot to laugh about as a mother and I'm quite certain that I gave my mother plenty to laugh about.

This gig does not come with a rule book or a guide book.  It's the only job in the world that you never "train" for or receive a degree in.  You learn it by the seat of your pants as you go along, hoping that you are getting it right and not really knowing because often you are not around when the final product is complete (and no mother wants to outlive her child/children).  It's the job where we are first apprentices and then become the teachers if we have children of our own.  We trust that we are training our apprentices with everything they will need.  Mother's Day isn't just one day in the year, it is every day.  I don't need gifts and I don't want gifts.  I'm the one who is grateful...my children are my gift.  I suspect that my mother felt the same way about me and my sister.

Things My Mother Taught Me

"1. My mother taught me about ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?"


2. My mother taught me about RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me about LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me about IRONY:
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

8. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

11. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

12. My mother taught me about ENVY:
“There are millions of less fortunate kids who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."

14. My mother taught me about the process of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

16. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

17. My mother taught me about HUMOR:
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

19. My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

20. My mother taught me about WISDOM:
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."


~ Author Unknown

Always Remember...

"Promise me you'll always remember:

You're braver than you believe,

and stronger than you seem, 

and smarter than you think." 

~ Christopher Robin ~

Grateful...

I'm so grateful for the comments that were left on my post from yesterday.  Support, love, friendship, encouragement and joy were expressed and given and that is such a gift.  I've learned so much from the people I've met through blogging and I continue to learn, to grow and to be inspired.  Remember this, that for whatever you take away from things I say or have experienced, I too benefit from the words and thoughts you share.

Lelainia made the comment that our journey, our experiences and some of our harder lessons in life are also quite often lessons for other people in our lives.  This is so true and I remind myself often about the things I learn from the experiences of others.  When I was having chemo, we talked a lot in that suite.  Not just about cancer but about life and about some of the experiences we were each having with that.  There was a lot of laughter as well.  I "insisted" upon it in my subtle way.  I certainly didn't tell the others we were going to laugh and I didn't sit there telling jokes.  I did, however, make sure that when I was recounting a story or responding to someone else's that I found a way to do so with humour and tongue in cheek and a little bit of flippancy.  Not disrespectfully -- with honesty.  It's incredible to watch people having something unpleasant happening to them brighten up with smiles and laughter.  It's also very hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are laughing.  Try it and you'll see what I mean.  During one treatment session the daughter of a patient laughed at something I said and then apologized.  I asked her why and she said that this was about us, not her, and she was just there to be there for her father and it wasn't "her place".  I was horrified that this young woman felt she was an outsider and immediately reminded her that she was very much a part of this.  Her role was different than ours but she was involved and the cancer was happening to her as well.  It reminded me that quite often family and friends feel excluded because their role in the journey is somehow seen as "less".  It is not less.  It is vital to the person going through the cancer treatment and the cancer experience to have that support and to know that it is a unified venture.  This applies to any hardship -- other disease, illness, divorce, death -- when we are involved with someone else we share their journey.

The other comment that I wanted to touch on was Kim's about "accepting".  Being able to accept things as they are and to move forward is not easy.  It doesn't happen overnight and it is something that really does take practice.  I was the original "why" child.  My mother often told me that I was asking "why" from the time I could speak and I never stopped.  She was right!  I spent a lot of time asking "why" was I the one to get cancer.  I can tell you there is no answer to that question.  And after awhile the "why" ceased to be important.  I realized that I couldn't change this, that I had no control over what had happened to my body, that it was out of my realm of being able to "fix".  I could only follow prescribed treatment, focus my energy on being well and have faith and hope that what I was doing would give me more time.  There is much in this life that happens that we have no answer for.  And sometimes we realize that "why" isn't the important question.  Being able to accept what has happened, to come to terms with it and to decide how to move forward from it -- that is key.

I don't have all the answers.  I'm certainly no saint and I make my share of mistakes.  I fall down and I cry and I get up again.  That's what I know to do.  I know that if I stayed on the ground my backside would get numb and probably cold and the discomfort would begin to annoy me, therefore -- up!  I might fall again.  I might not.  Life is a challenge and a risk every day.  But I have this one precious life and I know that I'm prepared to try again and again.  Sometimes I get it right.  Sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't (I just had to say that!).  There are still going to be challenges ahead for me but I'll do what I always do (and what I remind others to do as well) -- I'll pull up my big girl panties and meet that challenge.  And yes I keep plenty of big girl panties on hand!

Six Years in a Life of Living....

A year ago today I stopped blogging at Everyday Possibilities because I had reached the milestone of 5 years on my breast cancer journey and I was ready to get out and live my life.  I had been living it but I needed to feel a reconnection to other aspects of life.  And it was good.

And now here I sit, six years to the day when a very large steel door was slammed in my face as I heard the words "we believe that you have breast cancer."  I remember that I had stopped breathing.  My skin went clammy.  My vision blurred.  I knew what it felt like to be paralyzed...by fear.  Cancer.  It might as well have been shouted like this

CANCER

I think I went deaf for a time.  I heard words being spoken to me about another mammogram and calcification but I was so numb that I didn't take everything in all at once.  I heard the tone of my doctor's voice and her concern and I heard a voice inside me saying "you know this is true".  I never doubted it for a moment and I never gave myself any false sense of it being "nothing".  I've always been in tune with my body and I pay attention to the messages it gives me.

But that was then.  It was NOT a lot of fun, it was NOT all a piece of cake. It was not something I treated with a cavalier attitude.  It was NOT something I look back on and say "well, that's done now, what's next?".  I do NOT live in the bubble that because I have done all the necessary work that cancer and I will never meet again. There is no cure for this disease.  There is always the possibility that it will return.  Make no mistake.  It is a very formidable opponent but it too has fears.  It fears being in the light.  It fears being attacked.  It fears strength and courage and faith and spirit.  It fears hope.  It fears people who keep the word cancer small like I did and never refer to it as the Big "C" or give it any importance.  

I learned so much and continue to learn as I grow.  I decided that my life began again the day I had that mammogram and that it was up to me to live it and live it well.  Yes, a very large door slammed in my face that May 4th, but I learned that there are always possibilities.  That there are ways around a door like that.  I learned that I don't always have to do it by myself.  That other people are willing and happy to help to open that door or carve a new one.  I learned to be grateful in so many ways on so many levels.

Dark, bad, frightening things happen in everyone's life.  This one is just my story and one event in my life that was part of my journey.  But the things that I learned apply to all of us.  Smile.  Be kind.  Think of happy thoughts. Listen to what others have to say and really listen. Love yourself.  Don't demean yourself.  Find your passion.  Life your dream.  If you can go the extra mile for someone else, do that...someday it will be your turn.  Accept.  And that means pain, discomfort, sorrow, fear, challenge and help and love and kindness from others.  Accept that we will all leave this earth...and accept that you have a responsibility to live the life you were meant to live.

I'll celebrate today and tonight and I'll give thanks for hundreds of people and hundreds of things and hundreds of experiences.  Each day is that  special gift we get.  I open my eyes and I smile each morning and I thank God for this day -- for another page to add to my book of life.  I no longer "live" in the past or think about how I "was" in the past.  I think of today and how I am, and tomorrow and how I hope that I will be.  I live with grace and joy and I'm humble that I have been given this opportunity to be in these precious moments of my life.

Dampness and Balance...

When there are many days that look like this, with a slate grey sky where even clouds are lacking to add colour and the sunshine has been pushed aside....

Where the sky leaks continuous tears of sorrow and sadness; not tears of joy or cleansing....it's hard to keep your spirits up and to feel energized.  Gloom seems to seep into the pores and the heavy air pressure holds you down so that you feel like you are walking in slow motion with your head bowed.   My arms are too heavy to hold an umbrella above my head and when I am outside I let the water drip and feel the wetness as each drop leaves its mark.

Those days are becoming too numerous in this part of the world.  I give thanks for what the rain brings but life is about balance and we need sunshine in order to flourish.  My creative muse is "damp" so I will seek solace and find some way to lift my spirits.  And if I don't find that "something" it will be okay.  I will just be in the "moment" and accept this as it is.

The Past and the Present....

I love it when the past and the present merge, with the old being surrounded by the new.  As I was driving (in the passenger seat!) downtown in Toronto on Friday morning we were stopped at the light at Front Street and Wellington Street.  I had my camera with me and just had time enough to quickly focus and snap and I love how this photo turned out.  I love the mix of the rusty red and the green patina.  I love how the modern glass office buildings are tinted in green and the blue of the sky complement the roof of the Flatiron Building (also known as the Gooderham Building).  I love that we were stopped in exactly the right place at the right moment for this image to be captured.  If I had waited even seconds longer, the moment would have passed.  Being in the "now" and feeling the vibe that it is "now" was what I allowed to guide me.  If I had tried to set this up to get "exactly" this composition I'm not sure it would have happened.  I didn't over think this or try to make something that was just enough on it's own, to be something that it wasn't. 

Fabulous life lesson.