And It All Began...

I haven't done anything for Halloween over the last few years.  I think I simply ran out of steam and out of interest.

I loved the event as a child.  Anxious to get home from school, to don my costume and get ready to go out (usually in the rain) with my basket or a bag and collect candy from the neighbours.  It was the one and only time I ever ventured up some of those stairs and walkways to houses that I would pass the other days of the year.  I couldn't have told you the names of some of the neighbours but it didn't matter.  It was the night when convention went out of the window and you were excited to walk up to unknown doors and knock, singing out "trick or treat", "trick or treat, smell my feet" or "shell out shell out the witches are out".  Note:  I never once went out for Halloween as a witch.  No idea why, just never occurred to me.

You see I was the child who wanted to be different.  I never once had a store bought costume.  I never once wanted to be a princess, a witch, a black cat or a ghost.  Much too easy I think.  I came up with things like cowgirl, painter, hobo, a baby, a lamp (yes, a lamp)...I liked to find things around the house that I could implement into a costume.  I loved putting make up on my face and getting into the character.  Okay, the lamp...really you want to know about that.  I know you do.  I found an old lampshade in the basement.  I cut out eye holes, put on brown clothing head to toe and there I was...a lamp.  Cost?  Nothing.  Score?  Lots of candy and lots of appreciative and funny comments from neighbours.

When it was time for me to retire my candy bag and be the one at the door doing the doling out of candy, I moved on to my sister and began to costume her.  This photograph is from the 1970s.  My sister is on the right, her friend on the left.  They wanted to be something together and they wanted to be the same.  Idea?  A pair of dice.  Cardboard boxes found at the grocery store.  Paint from the basement (we had plenty as my father was a paint salesman for, at that time it would have been Pittsburgh Paints), and away I went.  I would have preferred to do 2 different numbers but the girls insisted they be the same.    They were hanging from their bodies with suspenders I found in my dad's closet.   Voila.  Unique and original costuming.

I carried this forward with my children.  Every year they would give me some idea of what they wanted to be and off I went.  Scouring charity shops and my own closets to create just the costume.  And they were never disappointed.

The pumpkin was important.  The face always had to be friendly yet scary and I would sprinkle cinnamon on the lid so that when the heat from the candle reached it, the pumpkin would smell inviting.

I miss those days yes, but I do not miss the decorating, standing around waiting for children and the rush and chaos of getting out the door.  A meal was never eaten properly and a meal was never required.  Some soup or chili, a grilled cheese sandwich...something fast and something warm and filling.

To those who still have the desire the interest and the little ones to take part, I say carry on.  My season of Halloween has been and gone.  I'll be in the basement watching tv tonight!

A Special Day...

 

Amid the sorrow and the sadness of our lives lately, there is still joy and happiness.  Yesterday we made the trip out of town to watch our son, our firstborn, graduate from University with his BA.  The undergrad degree to which he will add more education. 

Interestingly for us, the convocation was held in the local Recreation Complex.  Laurier University is a small school and hasn't the auditorium space for an event of this size.  So we went to a hockey arena to watch these young people's crowning moment.  Fitting for this family who spent our children's youth in hockey arenas throughout the province.  This one in particular.  My husband and I had sat in these seats watching games.  I marvel at how life comes full circle!

The guest speaker was boxer Lennox Lewis who was presented with an honourary degree at the ceremonies yesterday.  Note the arena seats behind him.  Truly classy.  Yes, I could have removed this background using photoshop but somehow the arena seats add to what this day represented.  My son shook his hand when he received his diploma and said the man's hands are huge.  Something else to add to the memories of this day.

Congratulations Evan...the future is bright, the future is waiting for you. 

Waiting with Grace...

Life has been quiet this last week.  One child away (and home tomorrow night).  One child here and spending time with his friends.  Mother-in-law in hospital still and we are back and forth.  Some days she's a bit more coherent, most days she is not.  Sometimes when she is alert she is talking nonsense...it makes sense to her I'm sure.  We just keep nodding and agreeing, saying "that's a good idea" or "okay", for what else can you do?

I've done no art to speak of for a few weeks.  My heart isn't really in it. I did make a digital collage for the holidays...which is now in my etsy shop...

but that is all.  My mind is elsewhere and sitting down to work becomes disrupted and disconnected.

If you are interested in any Fall or Halloween items in my shop, I have a special right now.  Enter the coupon code FALL2011 to receive an immediate 40% off all items in that section.

I'm sitting in all day today (lovely sunny day, but cold) waiting for the doctor to call with an up-date.  He is hard to pin down as he makes his rounds at different times.  We left word that we would like to speak with him and I trust that he will do that today.  Lack of sleep makes me think napping will be on the slate for today.
This waiting and not knowing what is happening is teaching us more than patience.  We are learning about grace, dignity and humility.  That medicine doesn't always have all the answers.  And that all things will happen in their time.  All good things.  Always.

Peaceful Journey...

this has been our journey since Thursday

days of watching

and finding peace in the journey.

Rethink it ....

For those of you who have had it up to "here" with me talking about this, lets change lanes and do something a little different...

 
Come on now...can you resist watching hunky men show you and remind you how to do those breast self exams??  You now you want it.....

Let Me Ask You This...

Commenting on this post isn't really necessary.  You are certainly welcome to if you would like but I'm asking these questions because I would like you to take them away and give them consideration.  You can write your answer in a journal, or keep it in your head.  You can talk about it with a friend.  And as I said, you are welcome to leave the answer here, but I hope you won't.  I hope you will take this away and spend some time with it.
             

*

If I asked you to change how you think about the world, and yourself, and life in general, just for one day, one 24 hour day, could you do it and would you do it?

And if you could and if you would do it for just that one day, is it possible that you could waken every day and decide that you would continue to live with that changed thinking?  What do you think your world would look like if you did this?

The Tao of Mr. Rogers...

 

When I was in the library the other day, I came across this little book sitting on a shelf of books that were displayed to share "joy".  I didn't watch Mr. Rogers' Neighbourhood as a child...I was just that bit too early for his entry into the world of children.  I did watch it with my sons and was always touched by Fred Rogers' love of children and of sharing with them what the world is all about, how to be in that world and how to feel about yourself, no matter what.

This quote made me smile and I knew it was one I wanted to keep, written over a photograph from my own childhood.  I am the squinty one in the middle.

Snippets of Life...Mid Week...

drizzling.  dark.  raining.  so dark I need to turn on the light in the kitchen, even at 10:00 a.m. in order to see.

days like this can do my head in as I seek light and warmth.  but I won't let it do me in today.

I have one son preparing to leave for a 6 day adventure...he flies to England tomorrow.  wish I was going too.

I have another son preparing to be home here for a week from school...reading week they call it.  he hasn't read a book since it was part of the curriculum in high school English...and even then...did he really read the whole book?  not a reader by choice that one.  is he really mine???

that means I need to prepare his room which right now is a storage hold all with boxes of this and that...and they need to be gone through, sorted and moved.

a lovely day yesterday spent with a friend...

breakfast first of Starbucks oatmeal and coffee (Americano for me, Cinnamon Dolce Latte for her)

tiring ourselves by walking through stores looking for home decor (curtain rods, cushions, fabrics...) for her home.  it is such a joy spending someone else's money isn't it?

time spent browsing in Pier 1 -- some of the most exotic colours and textures and unique items ...

lunch to rest our weary feet at Fionn MacCool's pub in Ajax.  

a half pint of Erdinger lager for my friend

and a half pint of Harp lager for me

a delicious meal of a vegetarian grillbread (mushrooms, tomatoes, green onions, jalapeno peppers, swiss and dill cream cheese) -- shared between us, just enough to fill us without overdoing it.

and then home to have a lie down, read a little and then think about what to make for an evening meal.

to the convalescent home before dinner to visit my mother-in-law who is most likely in the final stages of her life journey.  congestive heart failure is making it's presence felt daily and the most important thing now is her comfort.

reading wonderful messages of support and love from yesterday's post about my bald head and my letter to breast cancer...messages left here and on the Vision and Verb site.

and today, reading a blog post recommended by my friend Kim...what the author talks about in this post at  Recuerda mi Corazon is moving and filled with joy.  It made me want to jump up and shout "YES".  You will be moved when you read her story.  that is a promise.

(all images used in this post were found on the internet through google.com)

An Ode to Bald...

Yes, this is me....September 2005.  My hair had started to fall out from chemotherapy (you can see some of it on the cape).  I am laughing...I was as nervous as hell and somewhat sad because this was the first very visible evidence that I was being treated for cancer...but I knew that I wanted this gone without it falling out bit, by bit, by bit.  I am not a glutton for punishment and knew that I needed to take control when it began to go. "Watching" it happen day after day would have been more punishment than I deserved.  My stylist is a wonderful young woman who made this into a "party" with flowers and laughter and one of the other stylists took the photos for me.  And yes, while it was strange at first to be bald, I came to actually find it very freeing.  And realized what a beautifully shaped head I have.  Didn't know that as a baby obviously so it was nice to discover as an adult.  And yes indeedy, as bits grew back in, I would shave them off in the shower, until the day came when chemo was over and I could see other hair coming back in (I was bald and I do mean bald...everywhere..).

Now, if you would like to know more about why I've posted this photograph, please follow me over to Vision and Verb where I am today's author.  We love having you visit and being part of our community of photographers and writers who love to do nothing more than share snippets of our lives and views of the world with others.  I have to tell you that today's piece from me is one of the most passionate and moving pieces I have written in some time.

Monday Musings..

I am wearing a warm (chartreuse!) sweater and my retro dessert boots.  I'm going to grab my warm infinity scarf, wrap it around my neck and head out into the sunshine very shortly.  A trip to the library to return books and to choose some new ones.  This one is being returned after I sat up until the wee small hours last night reading it cover to cover.

I enjoy reading Julian Barnes.  I love the depth, the character development, the life and breath that could be any one of us.  In this short book (150 pages) which has been nominated for the Man Booker Award, I traveled with one man as he recounted an experience from his youth and how he remembered it.  Was the memory exactly as it happened?  Are any of our memories exactly as they happened?  Do we tell the story to satisfy ourselves and cover the blemishes so that they are easier to remember?  How much can and do we change our story so that it is palatable?  And how much of our past comes to light in our future?  As ever I was not disappointed in Julian Barnes and his ability, no gift, in telling us what life really is.

Oct 18, 2011
LONDON— British writer Julian Barnes has won the prestigious Booker Prize for fiction for his novel “The Sense of an Ending.”

*******************************************************************************

Do visit Jennifer Rizzo's blog to see some of her amazing new creations and additions to her etsy shop.  As well, Jennifer is hosting an incredibly generous giveaway that you might just find too tempting to resist!

Now I'm off to spend some time outdoors, before the clouds turn fickle and decide to cover the sky once again.

Added at 12:55 -- LOL -- thank you for noticing that Honey!!!  I did a spell check and of course "dessert" was spelled correctly...but I didn't read it properly.  So my boots are in fact "desert" boots...but I like the idea of "dessert" boots too Honey!!  Thanks for adding some spice to my day...and I'm leaving that typo in there!!   hee!!

Sweet Slow Sunday Morning in October...

A sweet, slow October Sunday morning....

*with multi grain bakery bread, sliced so thinly that when you toast it, it falls apart on the plate. 

*Homemade apricot jam from a friend who always likes to say "thinking of you" and "thank you" when his son comes to hang out here with our son.

*Deep, rich coffee in a favourite mug given to me by my son.

*Reading this magazine, the Fall issue from Sweet Paul and feeling that there is a lot to be grateful for in this season of harvest.

*Taking my time getting into my day and moving as the mood takes me.

*I hope you are enjoying a similar kind of day...how do you savour the sweetness of a Sunday?

Imagine...Love and Passion...

I don't watch programmes like "X Factor" or "American Idol" or "Canadian Idol" because I'm just not into those types of programmes.

Today on Facebook, Angela Shelton had posted this video and warned to have tissues handy.  I didn't listen to the warning but I did listen to the video.

It's not just how this young man is able to sing that moved me. Or the song he chose.   It's love and passion.  It is how when we believe in someone anything is possible.  It is how hope is born.  And it is about people with huge hearts who give and love without restraint and what power that has. 

I hope you will watch this, even if you saw it posted on my Facebook page.

Lifting and Loving...

There are so many aspects of a breast cancer journey and as much as I talk about early detection and breast health, there are other areas that matter so very much as well.

I think we all know someone who has had breast cancer.  Maybe you have had it yourself.  Or a loved one.  Or a colleague.  Or the mother of a friend.  Statistics show us that we have all been touched by this disease in one way or another.

I speak as a survivor.  I have my own unique story.  And I talk to other women who have walked this journey and I know their unique story.

There are so many other stories, and these ones are from family and friends.  How someone they love experienced their journey and how it impacted them.

Yesterday I stumbled upon this blog and read this post...I'm not sure why I jumped down to this particular post but I feel I was guided to do so.

Please read the post.  If you know of someone who has been recently diagnosed with breast cancer or at some point someone you love is diagnosed (maybe even yourself), remember these words.  Remember this experience that these women shared.  Being supported through this journey means the world.  Allowing others to support you gives them strength and hope.  Sharing your love is never a bad thing...it's the greatest gift you can give.

Please note:  as of 4:00 p.m. October 14th, the links to the mentioned blog Leap and Twirl are not working.  Hopefully this will be corrected.

Ask Yourself...

I saw this on facebook the other day and it stopped me cold.  This is something that was very timely for me to read and felt it was powerful enough for sharing.

As much as it is important to ask about how others influence us or what impact they have on our lives, I believe it is just as important to ask the question from the other perspective as in What I am doing to others?  What have I got others reading, etc.

Life isn't a one way street.  Sometimes we need to change direction.

Soap Box...

(image found on photobucket)

Sometimes I get on mine.

Especially in October.

For things about which I feel very strongly. 

Breast Cancer Can NOT be PREVENTED...

It is true.  Breast cancer can NOT be prevented.  And it tires me and aggravates me when I see articles written during this month that give people this pat statement..."Ways to Prevent Breast Cancer".  Oh if only it were so.  If only it was that "easy".

There is usually a "list" of things to do to "prevent" cancer from happening but the stark reality is, you can do nothing that will "prevent" this disease from occurring.  Most of the listed points are common sense...keep your weight down; eat a sensible diet; keep alcohol consumption to a minimum; do not smoke; exercise regularly; do not eat barbecued meat that has been charred to prevent carcinogens entering the body; breast feed your babies; do not stay on the birth control pill too long....etc. etc.

Can I tell you the number of women who have done everything "right" and still were diagnosed with breast cancer?  Can I tell you the number of young, very young women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer who have never had children, never had the opportunity to breast feed and the number of women who have never taken the birth control pill?  The numbers are staggering.

It is rot.  It is misinformation.  It is dishonourable for any publication to print anything that specifically uses the terminology that you can "prevent" breast cancer.  It gives false hope.  And it needs to stop.

Breast cancer happens because of a mutation in the cells of the body.  It is a genetic code that is somehow written into our bodies.  We have two breasts.   Anything can happen with them.  Even if you follow every list and every "rule",  it can happen.  There are things in the air that we breathe.  There are carcinogens in foods and products that we use.  Even living in a bubble would not "prevent" breast cancer if it is written into your genetic code. 

If you see articles that tell you breast cancer can be prevented, please do not believe them.  Please do not listen.  Please write and let the author and the publication know that this is false information and can do more harm than good.  We do not need to be placated by these insulting articles.  We need real, true information.

It is early detection and being aware of your breasts that increases the odds of survival.  Early detection does not guarantee survival but it most definitely gives you the option.  Add hope, faith, spirit, strength and courage to that list and then and only then can you look at beating the odds.

And forget the rubbish that this is preventable.  It. Is. Not.  And I hope and I pray that the number of people diagnosed decreases each year.  Be informed.  Be aware.

Thanks Giving...

The first Monday in October...Thanksgiving Day in Canada.  Usually it is colder weather, quite often raining but this year was something special.  It has been hot and sunny and not a drop of rain, allowing us to enjoy the weekend in ways we often cannot.  I read in the newspaper today that a local apple orchard was a hive of activity yesterday as families took advantage of the weather to spend quality time together and enjoy the harvest.

In this family we always have our big meal on the Sunday which enables us to enjoy the meal, the time together and not feel that we are going to be rushing off to our regular weekly routine in the morning.  It means a chance to sleep in a little longer and allow all that food to digest.

Our meal last night was a little different and one I suppose we will become accustomed to, hopefully over the short period.  We were only 4 at the table.  From having been 8 with both sides of the family present at holiday family meals, as we have lost some of those we love, we have dwindled. We were a small family to begin with as you can see.  We have been 5 for a long time and now with my mother-in-law in convalescent care we are only 4.  We might be 5 at Christmas but there is no telling at this point.  And of course I look forward to the day when there are "significant others" and hopefully grandchildren joining us at the table.

I have given thanks for many things over the years.  Last night it was that our family of 4 was able to be together this weekend and reconnect with our sons coming and going in their new adult lives.

And in my garden I marveled that I have 2 rose bushes that are still in bloom and I gave thanks that I was able to spend some time appreciating that beauty.  To realize that even though a rose tightly closed contains it's own beauty, it is the layers that create that beauty.  When fully opened, and if the light is "just right", to see that fine, soft skin of the petal and be able to say we are all vulnerable at our core but the light is what makes us bloom in our hearts.  Each part of the flower, and each part of us carries its own beauty.  With the rest of the garden in decay and going to rest for the winter, to see roses blooming filled me with hope.

That is giving thanks.

Give Thanks....

available for purchase here

Wishing all my Canadian friends a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Enjoy the weekend, whatever you are doing.

What's In a Name....

Okay, so that's not really my name.  I'm not a Princess.  And no one ever called me that when I was a child.

I wouldn't know how to be a Princess even if I tried.  Although I used to tell my little sister that she would be a Princess if she ate all  her candy before I ate mine.  And she fell for it every time.  How rotten was that?  If she was here now I would love to tell her how sorry I am for having done that.  Childish pranks can be so mean even if we don't realize it at the time.  But I digress.

There have been many times in my life that I have wished I had a different name.  I didn't get to choose this one and there have been times when I didn't feel that my name "fit" very well.  I didn't know any others who had this name and it wasn't just that it was unique, people would get it wrong and it would frustrate me, as if my name wasn't "good enough" for people to remember which to me translated to I wasn't good enough.  I overcame that.

Many years ago we had a family reunion on my mother's maternal side of the family and it was a lovely evening of seeing relatives who lived far away and meeting other relatives for the first time.  My mother came from a large family on her mother's side and they were a close knit family.  I liked that.  We wore name tags that night and rather than just putting on a name tag with my real name (which I did) I also put one on the other side that said "Princess Leia".  I have no idea why I did that, it's just who I am (and maybe I'd already had a drink or two?) but my cousin Gary thought it was a great idea as did his wife Jeane and they both attached name tags that were "someone else".  My husband, my sister and Gary's sister all did the same.  I liked that we were able to share our sense of humour and create new identities for ourselves.  I liked that for the remainder of that evening everyone at the reunion called me Princess Leia.

I'm at a point in my life of turning in new directions, and to recreating and relearning myself -- of who I am today.  I think a new name would take me farther than I am at present.  It need not be a name that others refer to me as, just one I've created for myself.  I'm still known as "mom" and always will be.  Someday I hope I'll be known as "nana" as well.  But I need one that is just for me.  Have you ever thought about a name for yourself that is just for you?

Fly Away to a Dream...

(image from google)

Ready to be packed.  Won't need much.  A few clothes, some toiletries and ready to hit the road.  Or the airplane in this case.  Six days away, just a quick visit really.  But I am so jealous.  Okay, not jealous, envious is more like it.  You see, it isn't me that this suitcase will be packed for.  It is my son.  He's off on an adventure and this is where the envy rolls in.

Now please understand.  I am so very happy for him that he is doing this and I have encouraged it.  We discussed the pros and cons and I expressed my later in life conservative reservations.  But he was determined.  He reminds me of himself when he was 2, 3, 4, 5 and so on.  Determined and goal oriented.  I remember saying to myself during those years that his determination would stand him well as an adult.  And oh don't we feel it when our words come home to roost.  But for me, it is in a good way because what I predicted all those years ago is exactly who this young man is.  I'm not proud.  It is for him to be proud of himself.  What I am is pleased, joyful and content that he is who he is and as far as I can tell, always will be.

(image from google)

My reservations?  It's a long way to fly to England for only 6 days.  Why not stay longer and see more?  But no, he had his plan in his head and this is what he wants to do.  He will land in Liverpool via Amsterdam (but only for a stop-over, no time for those very specific sites that Amsterdam is so famous for...and I don't mean the cheese and the clogs!) in time to rest and then attend a Liverpool match the following day.  This is his favourite football club...so much so that he has the club song tattooed on his inner wrist (just the letters mind...YNWA -- You'll Never Walk Alone).  A few days to see the sites of Liverpool and take the train to London and then on to Swindon for another soccer match (or football as they call it in Merry Olde).  And then home, once again via Amsterdam (and still no time to sight see!).

My envy?  Oh I wish I was 23 and had the time and the money to do what he is doing.  To just pick up and go, to follow a dream because it's one you've had for a few years and have yet to act on it.  To be in that place in life where there are no commitments and nothing holding you down or holding you back.  Right now I am meant to be at that very point again.  And yet there are still commitments and responsibilities that are holding me back.  I think this is one of the reasons I am feeling so stressed and so disconnected from doing the things that bring me joy and pleasure.  I am not being true to myself and I am not following my dream.

Time to take a page from my son's book of life.  He learned about the value of time through me, through my breast cancer experience and I am grateful that I was able to share this gift with my children.  Time I remembered that myself.

On Adventure....

Learning to Love Autumn...

Autumn and I have always had this love/hate relationship.  For someone who loves to wear sweaters and scarves and boots as much as I do, who enjoys pulling on fingerless gloves to keep extra warm, it has always seemed a touch hypocritical of me to not embrace the autumn and love it for all it is.

My sense of autumn has always been of endings.  It matters not that my own birth occurred in the fall, it has just seemed to me to be a season of life coming to a close.  It might be that my favourite grandfather died in the fall of 1964 and I've continued to associate autumn with finality.  It might be watching the leaves change colour and empty from the branches, leaving the trees naked and vulnerable.  It might be cold and flu season and health being affected. 

Over the last six years I have made great strides and made the effort to look at autumn in a different light.  I've chosen to record the colours as they change and to find the beauty in the richness of the colours.  I've looked forward to creating and eating comfort food meals that are taken from the bountiful harvest and looking at the food as something to be grateful for.  I've tried to look at autumn as a "pause" in nature's progression and a time to gather together what has meaning and matters to me. 

I still struggle on those dull, rainy days where the leaves are smashed to the ground  and the sky doesn't share it's light on my heart.  But I know now that it is important for me to surround myself with colour on those days and remind myself that it won't last forever.

And I'll remind myself by looking at this photograph I took last autumn, with that little heart etched right into the leaf, a small reminder of what joy lurks around every corner.  It was a special message for me that love can be found when you look closely enough.

Love Yourself Enough And Be Aware...

 

October is Breast Cancer month.  You would have to live under a rock to not know this.  And those who know me expect me to mention this at least once this month.

I'm not going to ask you to run a 5k marathon or do a 2 day walk and ask people to donate money to you for that because I don't really know where the money raised goes and what it really does for breast cancer.

I'm not going to ask you to buy products that tell you a percentage of the sales will go to breast cancer funding because there is never enough money donated and again, I have no idea how that money is spent.  We won't even talk about the fact that I despise companies who take advantage of breast cancer to plug their product.

I'm not going to ask you to wear pink because not everyone looks good in pink.

In fact, I'm not going to ask you to do anything.

I will, however, remind you that if there is never a time in the year when you (or a woman you love) does a breast self-exam or has a mammogram, then this is the month to please do that.  Feel your breasts (or have a loved one do that for you).  Schedule that mammogram.

October is the month to be aware of your breasts and regardless of any other lifestyle or heredity factors you have that may play into the possibility of you developing breast cancer, the one thing we all need to remember is this (and this includes men as well as women):

We have two breasts.  That is where it begins.  Know yours.

Love yourself and be aware.